Preoccupied attachment describes an individual who feels insecure and anxious in their relationships with others. Preoccupied individuals may have a particularly strong need to belong, to fit in, or to feel accepted.
This stems from attachment theory, proposed by John Bowlby in the 1950s, who argued that childhood attachment to a primary caregiver could affect relationships in later life. Bowlby explained that the attachment style you develop as an infant would translate into the same attachment style as an adult.
Intimate adult relationships differ greatly from those between infant and caregiver; however, the core principles of attachment theory can still be applied to these relationships.
In This Article
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment
Anxious-preoccupied attachment is an adult attachment style (also called ambivalent when referring to infant attachment) based on a negative working model of self and a positive working model of others.
Such individuals crave intimacy but remain anxious about whether other romantic partners will meet their emotional needs. They are hypervigilant to rejection, while relational autonomy and independence can make them feel anxious.
In addition, they can become distressed should they interpret recognition and value from others as being insincere or failing to meet an appropriate level of responsiveness.
Their attachment system is prone to hyperactivation during times of stress, emotions can become amplified, and overdependence on others is increased (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003).
Preoccupied lovers characterize their most important romantic relationships by obsession, desire for reciprocation and union, emotional highs and lows, and extreme sexual attraction and jealousy.
Preoccupied lovers believe that it is easy for them to fall in love, yet they also claim that unfading love is difficult to find.
Traits in Adults
It may not be easy to spot an anxious preoccupied attachment style in adults. Some of the key traits of this attachment style include:
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A constant need for closeness and intimacy
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Negative self-worth
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Overly dependent on relationships
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A constant fear of rejection
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Fear of being abandoned
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Problems with trusting others
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A constant need to please others
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Needing constant reassurance
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Hypersensitivity to other’s actions and needs
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Search for external validation
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May be highly emotional
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Lack impulse control
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Can be unpredictable and moody
Anxious preoccupied adults may have issues with regulating their emotions.
They may show more intense reactions to perceived threats, see situations as more threatening than they are, and experience more distress. They may seek support through indirect ways, such as crying.
Thus, adults with an anxious preoccupied attachment may be at an increased risk of developing anxiety disorders such as generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder.
Those who suffer from panic attacks often have a history of childhood separation anxiety – the sudden arousal of social separation can result in panic attacks.
Causes
While it may not always be clear why someone may develop an anxious preoccupied attachment style, it is often a result of the parenting by the caregivers as a child.
Some of the possible ways in which parenting styles can cause an anxious preoccupied attachment style include the following:
Inconsistent parenting
One of the main reasons why a child may develop an anxious preoccupied attachment style is inconsistent parenting.
Parenting is inconsistent when there are times of support and responsiveness to the child’s needs, but not at other times. Sometimes, the caregiver may be cold, insensitive, or emotionally unavailable.
The child may become confused about their relationship with a caregiver who is always sending them mixed signals.
This inconsistency can make it difficult for the child to predict what their parent’s behavior is going to be at any given time, resulting in elevated insecurity and anxiety.
Emotional distance
A caregiver who is emotionally distant or neglectful can leave a child feeling insecure and unstable. If a caregiver is not meeting the child’s emotional needs, especially when they are distressed or anxious, these feelings are likely to worsen.
If a caregiver neglects a child’s needs, the child will likely develop an insecure attachment style.
Intrusive parenting
An intrusive caregiver is one who gives intrusive attention to their child.
They have poor emotional boundaries, intrude on the child’s state of mind, and can be overbearing. The child may feel smothered by the caregiver and do not have enough room to grow or be themselves.
Intrusive parenting can also include mirroring the child. This is where the caregiver reflects on how the child feels, amplifying the child’s negative reaction rather than soothing it. For instance, if a child is anxious, the caregiver becomes anxious; when the child cries, the caregiver also cries.
Caregiver’s ‘emotional hunger’
When caregivers seek emotional or physical closeness with the child for the purpose of satisfying their own needs, this is known as fulfilling their ‘emotional hunger.’
If the caregiver is using the child to satisfy their own needs, they may be neglecting the child’s emotional and physical needs. These types of caregivers can also appear intrusive and preoccupied with their child’s life. They may also replace the actual love and affection for their child with using the child to feed their own needs.
The child, therefore, does not get their needs met and may go on to put everyone else’s needs above their own as they get older since this is what they have been used to doing.
Anxious preoccupied caregivers
It is likely that if a child has an anxious preoccupied attachment style, their caregiver also has this attachment style.
This is not likely due to genetic reasons; rather, it is a continuation of behavioral patterns repeated throughout generations.
Without addressing the insecure attachment of the child, they may grow up to have their own child who is also anxious-preoccupied.
Relationships
Romantic relationships with anxious preoccupied adults can be intense and stressful for both the anxious person and their partner.
Often, it is not uncommon for people with an anxious attachment style to form relationships with those who have an avoidant attachment style. Those with an avoidant attachment struggle to commit and can feed into the anxieties that anxious preoccupied people have.
Below are some ways in which an anxious preoccupied attachment can affect a relationship:
Worried about the relationship
A person with an anxious preoccupied attachment may have a lot of difficulties feeling secure in their relationships.
They may be constantly worried that the relationship is in trouble and be anxious that their partner will leave them at any time.
They often have a strong fear of abandonment and rejection, catastrophizing situations to reinforce these fears. For instance, unresponsiveness from a partner, such as not responding to texts straight away, can increase worries of abandonment.
Clinginess
Due to their deeply insecure feelings, someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment may behave in ways that appear clingy, controlling, possessive, or jealous. Acting in this way can have the opposite effect and can put a strain on the relationship.
They may become very preoccupied with the relationship and fall in love easily to the point where they become ‘obsessed’ with their partner.
Moreover, they fear being apart from their partner, which can be overbearing for their partner. For this reason, someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment would probably not cope well with a long-distance relationship.
Attuned to partner’s needs
Someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style tends to hold their partner in high regard. They may be very attuned to their partner’s needs and may put a lot of effort into making sure their partner’s needs are met.
Emotional ups and downs
Being in a relationship with someone who has an anxious preoccupied attachment can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Their partner may not know what to expect from one moment to another.
The relationship can feel very unstable, with lots of anxiety, stress, and even unhappiness for both involved. A partner may have low relationship satisfaction if the anxious preoccupied partner cannot offer them emotional stability.
The anxious preoccupied person may act on their needs rather than communicate them. This can be displayed as intense emotions such as crying or shouting, requiring their partner to soothe them. This can become a vicious cycle of their partner feeling frustrated and exhausted.
Conflicts
Attachment styles can affect how someone deals with conflict. Conflicts for those with an anxious preoccupied attachment may arise due to feeling insecure, having negative beliefs, and being hypersensitive to a partner’s moods and actions.
During a conflict, someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment may choose to continue arguments to elicit the response they want from their partner. They may feel unable to calm down until their partner has met their need for assurance.
Combined with their tendency for high emotions, conflicts with a partner can become intense and cause a lot of upset.
Coping
While you cannot change the attachment style you developed as a child, you can learn to manage or overcome it.
Understand your attachment style
It is useful to educate yourself on the different attachment styles and consider which one best suits you.
Consider how you behave in your relationships with others and how your relationship was with your primary caregiver as a child. Gaining an understanding of your attachment style can help you learn how to begin overcoming an insecure attachment.
Practice self-awareness
Try to notice when you have automatic responses to negativity. If your partner tells you they want to do an activity alone, do you automatically believe they are pulling away from you? Do you become jealous and possessive if your partner spends time with someone else?
Be aware of your automatic thoughts and try to give meaning to them. If you recognize that your thoughts may stem from your anxious preoccupied attachment, this can help with restructuring your thoughts.
You can notice when these negative thoughts come up and consider a healthier way to respond.
Learn healthy communication skills
Practice communicating in a manner that clearly expresses your needs in a healthy, non-confrontational way. This way, there should be fewer misunderstandings in the relationship, and you can build a stronger relationship with your partner.
Share your needs with loved ones and practice using your language to express when you struggle. Approach the conversation with honesty and kindness so you can make requests without coming across as needy or controlling.
Externalize your feelings
Externalizing your feelings means taking your thoughts and emotions and putting them into something meaningful and healthy.
For instance, feelings can be expressed through creating art, movement, or music. Likewise, keeping a journal can be a good way to get out strong emotions and work through your thoughts. This is also useful to help recognize unhelpful thought patterns.
Reparent your inner child
Re-parenting yourself means allowing yourself the love, support, and kindness that you may have missed out on as a child. This is especially useful if you had a caregiver that was very inconsistent in their parenting.
Be compassionate with yourself, comfort yourself when you need it, and show kindness. You can think of this as treating yourself the same way you would show kindness to an innocent child.
Consider therapy
If you find you need extra support with managing your attachment style, you can consider therapeutic options. This can be especially helpful if there is a diagnosable mental health condition alongside the anxious preoccupied attachment style.
Through therapy, you can learn to recognize your attachment patterns, examine your feelings about yourself, and learn to approach relationships with others in a healthy way.
Cognitive behavioral therapy ( CBT ) is a therapy that aims to help identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This can be useful for someone who has insecure feelings and unhealthy behaviors which stem from their anxious attachment.
Another therapy is interpersonal therapy which helps individuals learn how to improve their interpersonal relationships and social interactions. Moreover, psychodynamic psychotherapy can help people with anxious-preoccupied attachment investigate how their attachment style as a child can impact their life now.
Helping Your Partner
If you have a partner with an anxious preoccupied attachment, there are some things you can do to support them:
Understand their attachment style
Learning about attachment theory and understanding your partner’s attachment style through research can be a good starting point for understanding them better.
Express gratitude
Although you may show gratitude to your partner through your actions, your partner may not pick up on this.
It may be better to explicitly tell them when you appreciate something, such as starting sentences with ‘I appreciate that you…’ and ‘Thank you for…’.
Using clear and concise language about what you feel can help make sure your intentions are known, which is something a person with an anxious-preoccupied attachment can struggle with.
Ensure they feel secure
A partner with an anxious preoccupied attachment may need ongoing assurance about how you feel about them. This can be expressed through actions as well as verbally telling them.
Be consistent in the attention you give your partner. If there are times when you know you will not be available to spend time with them, clearly communicate this to avoid them feeling abandoned.
You can also help them work on their insecurities by encouraging them to be self-aware in a way that does not feel like criticism. Together, you can help them overcome their anxieties by gently encouraging self-reflection.
Stick to your word
Since a person with anxious preoccupied attachment has difficulty with trusting others and has a fear of abandonment, it is important to be a trustworthy person in their eyes.
Trust can be built by sticking to promises and commitments you make. Breaking these can fuel their lack of distrust and can bring out strong emotional reactions, so ensure you follow through with them to the best of your ability.
This can also apply when setting your own healthy boundaries with your partner. Ensure your boundaries are clear and that they are reinforced.
A partner who acts as a reliable figure can restore a person’s sense of security and help them function more securely.
Consider couple’s therapy
Couples therapy can be beneficial to strengthen any relationship. It can be especially helpful for couples where one has an anxious preoccupied attachment, and the other has an avoidant attachment style.
Therapy allows you to participate in discussion with your partner with the help of a skilled moderator.
They can help you and your partner to process any negative thoughts and feelings and help to break down barriers to communication which is affecting the relationship. Therapy can also provide the tools to communicate effectively with each other outside of the sessions.
Related Conditions
Although having an anxious preoccupied attachment does not mean someone will also have a mental health disorder, there have been shown to be some associations between some disorders and this attachment style.
Since this attachment style is coupled with many anxious feelings, it makes sense that someone with this attachment may be more likely to develop an anxiety disorder. Individuals may develop generalized anxiety or panic disorder because of their insecure attachment.
Anxious preoccupied attachment may make someone more at risk of developing social anxiety disorder. This is a condition associated with an individual feeling intense anxiety that others are judging or thinking negatively of them. Research has found that emotional dysregulation in social anxiety disorder is thought to derive from preoccupied attachment (Conrad et al., 2021).
It has also been found that some individuals who meet the criteria for borderline personality disorder displayed higher preoccupied attachment styles in their close relationships (Hashworth et al., 2021). This suggests that someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style may be at more of a risk of developing this disorder.
Attachment styles in adult relationships
John Bowlby argued that one’s sense of security as a child is critical to attachment style as an adult. It is generally accepted that there are four attachment styles (Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, & Wall, 1978):
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Anxious-preoccupied – an individual usually has low self-esteem and holds others in higher regard. They seek intimacy and security from others, but they find it hard to trust and can worry about their partner’s behaviors and intentions. These individuals tend to be overly dependent on the relationship.
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Dismissive-avoidant – this stems from the avoidant childhood attachment style. These individuals tend to have a positive self-view but view others more negatively. They value their independence and may become nervous if someone gets too close to them. A lot of the time, they may choose to avoid relationships altogether.
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Secure – someone with this attachment style will usually have positive views of themselves and others. They are comfortable with close relationships and can trust their romantic partners.
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Fearful-avoidant (Disorganized) – this usually stems from the avoidant or disorganized attachment style in children. These individuals usually crave an intimate relationship but are uncomfortable with closeness and find it hard to trust others. They are often fearful of getting hurt if they get close to others, so they may choose to avoid relationships instead.
The attachment style you develop in early childhood is thought to have a lifelong influence on your ability to communicate your emotions and needs, how you respond to conflict, and how you form expectations about your relationships.
Although the attachment style you were raised with does not explain everything about your relationships and who you become as an adult, understanding your style may help explain patterns you notice in relationships.
Further Information
BPS Article- Overrated: The predictive power of attachment
How Attachment Style Changes Through Multiple Decades Of Life
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