Anxious attachment is one of four attachment styles that develop in childhood and continue into adulthood. Attachment styles refer to the particular way in which an individual relates to other people.
Anxious attachment (also called ambivalent) relationships are characterized by a concern that others will not reciprocate one’s desire for intimacy.
Individuals with anxious attachment are preoccupied with the availability and responsiveness of significant others, such as parents, friends, and romantic partners.
Such individuals crave intimacy but remain anxious about whether other romantic partners will meet their emotional needs. Autonomy and independence can make them feel anxious.
In addition, they can become distressed should they interpret recognition and value from others as being insincere or failing to meet an appropriate level of responsiveness.
Individuals with anxious attachment hold a negative self-image and a positive image of others, meaning they have a sense of unworthiness but generally evaluate others positively.
As such, they strive for self-acceptance by attempting to gain approval and validation from their relationships with significant others. They also require higher levels of contact and intimacy from relationships with others.
Additionally, they are preoccupied with dependency on their parents and still actively struggle to please them.
In This Article
Signs in Children
Anxious attachment is one of the types of insecure attachment style. Children with anxious attachment express distress when their caregiver leaves and are difficult to soothe when they return.
They behave as if they are not certain they can rely upon the caregiver and resent being abandoned.
Some of the key signs that a child may have an anxious attachment style include:
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Extreme distress when separated from parents
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Inconsolable when upset – not easily comforted
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Clinging to parents and caregivers
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A fear of strangers
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Poor relationships with other children
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Limited exploration of their environment
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Appearing anxious in general
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Difficulty regulating and controlling negative emotions
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Displaying aggressive behavior
It is worth noting that not all children with this attachment style will display all these signs.
Separation anxiety disorder (SAD), generally diagnosed in childhood, is an anxiety disorder that may be related to anxious attachment.
Children with SAD may refuse to go to school, fear being separated from their caregivers, and experience extreme anxiety when separated from loved ones. While most children grow out of this issue, it can persist into adolescence and adulthood.
How anxious attachment develops
While there is not always a clear-cut answer for why a child may develop an anxious attachment, it could be a result of some of the following factors:
Emotional distance
If a parent or caregiver is distant or neglectful of the child’s needs, the child will not feel a sense of security and stability.
Children who do not get their emotional needs met, especially when distressed or anxious, are likely to experience elevated levels of these emotions.
If their emotional needs are neglected, the child will likely develop an anxious attachment style.
This can continue throughout life in terms of friendships and romantic relationships in which others do not provide the comfort that the individual expects.
Inconsistent parenting
Anxious attachment is often associated with an inconsistent parenting pattern. Parenting is inconsistent when there are times of support and responsiveness to the child’s needs, but at other times, this is not the case.
Sometimes, the caregiver may be cold, insensitive, and emotionally unavailable.
The child may become confused about their relationship with a caregiver sending mixed signals.
This inconsistency can make it difficult for the child to understand what their parent’s behavior means and what kind of response to expect, resulting in insecurity and anxiety.
Caregiver’s ‘emotional hunger’
Oftentimes, the caregiver’s emotional hunger may be linked to a child developing an anxious attachment style.
This is where caregivers seek emotional or physical closeness with the child for the purpose of satisfying their own needs. Because of this, they are neglecting the child’s emotional and physical needs.
These caregivers may appear intrusive and preoccupied with their child’s life and can be overprotective. They may replace the actual love and affection of their child with using the child to feed their own needs.
The child, therefore, does not get their needs met and may put everyone else’s needs above their own as this is what they have been used to.
Anxious caregivers
Commonly, children with an anxious attachment style are likely to have parents who are also anxiously attached.
This is likely not due to genetic factors; rather, it is a continuation of behavioral patterns repeated throughout generations.
Moreover, without management, the anxiously attached child may grow up to have their own children who are anxiously attached.
Signs In Adults
It might not always be easy to recognize an insecure attachment style in adults. Some of the key signs include:
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Needing constant contact and support from others
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A constant need for reassurance that they are good enough
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Hypersensitivity to rejection and abandonment
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Negative self-view or self-worth
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Overly sensitive to other’s actions and moods
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Craving intimacy
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Having difficulty setting and respecting boundaries
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The impulse to fix things and solve other people’s problems at one’s own expense
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High emotional reactivity when someone isn’t available
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A positive view of others
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Afraid or incapable of being alone
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Ruminate over and overanalyze small things
Anxiously attached adults are likely to have issues with regulating their emotions.
They may show more intense reactions to threats, see situations as more threatening than they are, and experience more distress. They are hesitant to seek support and are likely to do this indirectly, such as by crying.
Adults with anxious attachments may also be at an increased risk of developing anxiety disorders such as social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and panic disorder.
Those who suffer from panic attacks often have a history of childhood separation anxiety – the sudden arousal of social separation can lead to panic attacks.
Relationships With Anxious Adults
Romantic relationships with anxious adults can be intense and stressful for the anxious person and their partner.
A common theme that is observed is that people with an anxious attachment tend to form relationships with those who have an avoidant attachment style.
Those with an avoidant attachment struggle to commit and feed into anxious attachment anxieties.
Below are some ways in which an anxious attachment can affect a relationship :
Clinginess
Someone who has an anxious attachment style may become very fixated on a romantic interest. They may desire to jump into relationships very quickly, wanting to commit very fast.
Consequently, they may struggle with long-distance relationships, as this will cause a lot more anxiety.
They may become very preoccupied with their relationship and fall in love easily to the point where they may become ‘obsessed’ with their partner.
They may be more likely to project everything they desire onto one person, which can, in fact, cause anxiety levels to elevate.
Fear of rejection
An anxiously attached adult may constantly be worried about losing their partner or not being able to contact them in times of need.
The slightest disappointment or sign of rejection from a partner could be incredibly harmful to the anxious person’s already low self-esteem.
If a loved one rejects them or fails to respond to their needs, the anxious person may blame themselves and believe they are unworthy of being loved.
Need for constant reassurance
Due to the anxiously attached person feeling extremely insecure and having low self-worth, they may turn to their partner for reassurance.
While it is normal to want reassurance, an anxious person may be persistent in their attempts to seek reassurance from the partner.
This can put a strain on the relationship if the partner constantly has to prove that the anxious loved one is worthy of love.
Emotional ups and downs
Being in a relationship with someone who has an anxious attachment style can feel like an emotional rollercoaster.
There can be a mixture of high and low emotions meaning that their partner may not know what to expect from one moment to another.
The relationship can often be filled with anxiety, stress, and even unhappiness for those involved.
The partner of an anxious person may have low relationship satisfaction if their partner cannot offer them emotional stability.
Feeling underappreciated
An anxiously attached person may often feel unappreciated and resentful if they do not think they are getting the love they deserve.
They may worry about where they stand in the relationship and whether their partner loves them as much as they do in return.
They may often fantasize about how they want the relationship and desire to always stay in the ‘honeymoon stage.’
If they do not receive the same priority they perhaps had at the start of the relationship, they may become suspicious of their partner.
They may accuse their partner of being unappreciative or untrustworthy if they feel their emotional needs are not always met.
Triggers of anxious attachment
Triggered anxious attachment can present as getting into arguments or becoming over-emotional in attempts to re-establish a connection with their partner. Since they may have difficulties regulating their emotions, they can appear overly dramatic or cry as a way to communicate their needs.
Some ways in which anxious attachment can be triggered include:
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A partner behaving inconsistently
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When a partner comes home later than expected
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When a partner seems distant or distracted
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If a partner forgets important events such as anniversaries
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Partner not messaging or calling when this is expected
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A partner failing to notice something
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When a partner does not seem to be paying attention, such as spending a lot of time on their phone or work
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Not receiving enough attention
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Getting into arguments
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Having trust broken, such as realizing that a partner lied or broke a promise
These triggers can result in the anxiously attached person feeling even more insecure about their relationship and being filled with more self-doubt.
Managing Anxious Attachment
It may not always be possible to change an anxious attachment style, but there are some ways in which it can be managed to help one feel more secure in their relationships.
Practice awareness
If you have an anxious attachment, you may be more likely to have automatic responses to negativity. However, gaining an awareness of these automatic responses can help you think of a healthier way to respond.
Take time to think about how you feel in a moment and what thoughts come up. Be aware of these thoughts and the meaning that is given to these thoughts. Then, you can consider the best way to respond.
If you feel that you find this difficult, you could even remove yourself from the situation before responding. Go for a walk to gather your thoughts before returning to the situation.
It’s especially helpful to practice being aware of how you interact in relationships to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
Regulate your nervous system
Triggered anxious attachment can put you into fight, flight, or freeze mode. In this state, you cannot think clearly and are more likely to act on impulses. The best method of tackling this is to change your physiology.
Take some time to pause and breathe. You could even place your hands on your belly to connect with the breath. This will send a signal to the brain that you are safe.
When feeling anxious, it can also help to do something grounding, so you feel less stuck in your thoughts. Doing exercise, yoga, getting a massage, or going for a walk in nature can help you to feel grounded.
Reparent your inner child
Often, it can be beneficial to heal your inner child who first experienced an anxious attachment with a caregiver. This can be done by giving yourself the love, support, and kindness you did not receive as a child.
Be compassionate with yourself, forgive yourself for mistakes, check in with, and comfort yourself if this is what you need.
You can think of this as treating yourself like you would show kindness to an innocent child.
Challenge your thoughts
When experiencing negative thought patterns, remind yourself that while they seem real, the thoughts are not necessarily true.
Do not believe every negative thought you have and instead try to challenge them when they come up.
Consider what solid evidence there is that your thoughts are true and whether there is a more likely explanation.
Self-care
Try to take some time every day to do something to take care of yourself. Be consistent with this to soothe your anxiety.
Self-care activities such as engaging in your hobby, taking a long bath, or watching your favorite TV show can help reduce stress and tension.
Self-care can also build internal resources necessary to handle anxiety, such as resilience and recognizing self-worth.
Externalize your feelings
Letting go of your thoughts and putting them into something meaningful can be a healthy way to manage strong emotions. This could be expressed through creating artwork, movement, or music.
Keeping a journal is a helpful method for getting out your emotions, and it may help you recognize some patterns in your thoughts and behaviors.
You could even journal from the perspective of your inner child, writing down why they are sad and what they need.
You can then write from the perspective of an empowered adult self to pass on wisdom, healing, and advice to the inner child.
Practice mindful communication
You can prepare yourself for meaningful conversations ahead of time by exploring nonviolent communication.
This can help you to approach the conversation with honesty as well as kindness so you can make requests without coming across as needy or controlling.
Therapy
If you need extra support with your anxious attachment style, you can seek help from a therapist. Through therapy, you can learn to recognize your attachment patterns, examine your feelings about yourself and learn to approach relationships with others healthily.
Cognitive behavioral therapy ( CBT ) is a therapy that focuses on identifying and replacing negative thought patterns and behaviors with healthier ones.
Interpersonal therapy (IPT) helps individuals improve their interpersonal relationships and social interactions.
Also, psychodynamic psychotherapy helps people to focus on unconscious emotional dynamics and can help to examine how attachment styles may present in the therapy relationship itself.
Dating someone with an anxious attachment
If you have an anxiously attached partner, there are some things you can do to help them:
Understand their attachment style
Learning about attachment theory and getting to know your partner’s attachment style through research can be a good starting point to understanding them better.
Express gratitude
While you may feel as though you are showing your gratitude in your actions, an anxiously attached person may not pick up on this.
Explicitly telling them when you are appreciative of something can make your intentions clearer. It may be helpful to start sentences with ‘I appreciate that you…’ or ‘Thank you for…’
Give attention and reassurance
As anxiously attached people are very insecure and are filled with self-doubt, they will often seek reassurance from you.
However, if you verbally express to them your affection and love, they are more likely to be reassured than if you just assume they know how you feel.
Verbally reassure them that you value them as a partner to help them see that you are committed to the relationship and are willing to accommodate their needs.
Stick to your word
Since people with anxious attachments have trouble trusting others and fear abandonment, it is important to show them that you can be trusted. If you make promises and commitments, ensure that you follow through.
This can also apply when setting boundaries. When doing this, ensure you have clear boundaries and expectations and reinforce them.
A partner who acts as a reliable security figure can restore a sense of felt security and help the anxious person function more securely.
Discover their love language
If you struggle to know how to express your love and gratitude for your anxiously attached partner, you could discover what their love language is.
Once you know what their love language is, you can cater your words and actions to match.
For instance, if your partner’s love language is ‘words of affirmation,’ you can ensure you verbally tell them that you love them and why.
If their love language is ‘physical touch,’ you can incorporate more intimacy and physical closeness to your partner to show you love them.
Couples therapy
Couples therapy can be beneficial for any relationship to help strengthen it. It can be especially helpful for couples where one is anxiously attached, and the other has an avoidant attachment.
Couples therapy gives the opportunity to participate in discussion with your partner with the help of a skilled moderator.
They can help your partner and yourself to process any negative thoughts and feelings at the moment and provide tools to communicate with each other outside of the sessions.
Can Attachment Styles be changed?
Sometimes change can happen when someone who is anxiously attached is in a relationship with someone who is securely attached.
Having a partner who has a secure attachment style can facilitate emotional closeness and a sense of calmness and stability for the anxiously attached. This could help to shift their perception and develop new patterns of thinking and behavior.
Being aware of and making a conscious effort to change negative behavioral patterns can make someone more mindful of how they act in relationships with others. It is important to recognize that the past does not have to predict the present and future experiences.
Although it may not always be possible to change an attachment type that has been present since childhood, anxiously attached individuals can work to feel more secure in themselves and their relationships.
It is not an easy and passive process and will require much conscious effort and self-awareness.
Attachment Theory
Attachment theory was proposed by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s. He proposed that children develop an attachment style in early life depending on the parenting of the primary caregiver.
The concept involves one’s confidence in the availability of the attachment figure for use as a secure base from which one can freely explore the world when not in distress and a safe haven from which one can seek support, protection, and comfort in times of distress.
Bowlby argued that one’s sense of security as a child is critical to their attachment style as an adult.
It is generally accepted that there are four attachment styles (Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, & Wall, 1978):
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Anxious – those with an anxious attachment style have problems trusting others. They often worry that people will abandon them, so they seem clingy or needy.
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Avoidant (Dismissive) – this attachment style is characterized by problems with intimacy and low emotional investment in relationships.
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Secure – this is characterized by feelings of trust and safety in relationships. Children who are securely attached feel safe and supported by their caregivers. Securely attached adults are capable of forming lasting relationships.
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Disorganized (Fearful) – this is marked by a mix of behavior that can range from avoidance to clinginess. People with this attachment style often long for close relationships but fear trusting others and getting hurt (Main & Solomon, 1986).
The attachment style you develop in early childhood is thought to have a lifelong influence on your ability to communicate your emotions and needs, how you respond to conflict, and how you form expectations about your relationships.
Although the attachment style you were raised with does not explain everything about your relationships and who you become as an adult, understanding your style may help explain patterns you notice in relationships.
Further Information
BPS Article- Overrated: The predictive power of attachment
How Attachment Style Changes Through Multiple Decades Of Life
References
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Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L.M. (1991). Attachment Styles Among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61 (2), 226–244.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Volume I. Attachment . London: Hogarth Press.
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Caron, A., Lafontaine, M., Bureau, J., Levesque, C., and Johnson, S.M. (2012). Comparisons of Close Relationships: An Evaluation of Relationship Quality and Patterns of Attachment to Parents, Friends, and Romantic Partners in Young Adults. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science, 44 (4), 245-256.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52 (3), 511–524.
Main, M., Kaplan, N., & Cassidy, J. (1985). Security in infancy, childhood and adulthood: A move to the level of representation. In I. Bretherton & E. Waters (Eds.), Growing points of attachment theory and research. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 50 (1-2), 66-104.
Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1986). Discovery of an insecure-disorganized/disoriented attachment pattern. In T. B. Brazelton & M. W. Yogman (Eds.), Affective development in infancy . Ablex Publishing.
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