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signs of a toxic relationship
A toxic relationship is one where your well-being is threatened in some way, whether emotionally, psychologically, or physically.
While signs of abuse are definitely toxic in any relationship, there are some more subtle ways in which a relationship can be toxic.
If you notice any of the following seven signs, it is possible you may be in a toxic relationship.
The relationships can become very negative if there is a lack of support from one or both sides. A person in a toxic relationship may feel misunderstood and undermined in their relationship and may not feel encouraged to achieve their goals.
A toxic person may see every achievement of the other person as a competition and will always try to one-up them.
You may feel there is no point in progressing towards your goals if it will never be enough for the other person to be proud of you. You may be left feeling as if your successes and interests do not matter as much as theirs do.
Often, you can recognize that someone is toxic in the way they communicate with you and others. They may be very sarcastic and be very critical of you while covering it up by stating that they were ‘only joking.’
They may always find fault with everything you do and blame you for everything negative that happens, never accepting blame themselves. They may also lie and gaslight, making you confused and have you questioning your sanity.
You can also observe how they treat others, especially those they don’t know. For instance, they may be unnecessarily rude to a waiter at a restaurant or pick a fight with someone who cuts in line.
While it is normal to experience a bit of envy from time to time, especially when you are in a new romantic relationship, constant suspicion and mistrust can become draining for the other person.
A partner may never trust you even when you have given them no reason not to be trusted, which can prevent you from enjoying your relationship.
A partner may monitor your location, keep wanting you to check in with them via text messages when you’re apart and may question you if you are late back from work or a social event.
You may feel as though your behaviors are restricted because you do not want to do anything that your partner feels unhappy about. You may feel as if your life is being micro-managed by someone who needs to know where you are and what you’re doing every minute of the day.
A toxic person can show disrespect in many ways. This can be through embarrassment, criticism, and putting them down, especially in front of others. They may not value boundaries and make the other person look bad.
A toxic person may stonewall, meaning that they shut down and refuse to communicate with someone, especially when they are being confronted about their behavior.
They may refuse to acknowledge or listen when someone is expressing their feedback or wanting to share their emotions.
Disrespect can also be displayed through lying to the other person, name-calling, and being verbally unkind.
A toxic person may have a need to control another person in a relationship. This is where there is an unequal power dynamic, usually with one person dominating another in a self-serving manner.
Some controlling behavior can include wanting to always track your location and making comments about what you wear or do in a way to control. For instance, they may say, ‘I don’t like when you wear that outfit. Don’t wear it again’.
The toxic person may always want to have things go their way, disregarding any other way. They may even want you to spend all your free time with them, which could isolate you from friends and family and deprive you of your independence and other activities you may enjoy.
Walking on eggshells
Someone who is in a relationship with a toxic person may try to do anything they can not to provoke the other person, avoiding any kind of conflict wherever possible.
You may never know what type of mood the toxic person will be in that day, and they may get extremely angry at the smallest thing. If you are afraid of the response you are going to get, you may end up behaving in ways or doing things you may not want to do to avoid the other person becoming upset.
Likewise, you may not want to share your true feelings or unhappiness with someone if you think they are going to become angry or put you at fault for something which you brought as feedback for them.
Needs feel neglected
When you go along with whatever the toxic person wants to do, even if it goes against your comfort level or wishes can mean your own needs get neglected.
You may go above and beyond to ensure the other person is happy and safe, but they may not do the same for you.
You may try to bring up your emotional needs to them, but they turn it around so that you end up comforting them instead; thus, there is a lack of emotional reciprocity.
You may not be offered what you need, whether this is some space on your own or more independence.
You may also feel too independent if the other person constantly neglects you, leaving you to deal with your troubles on your own.
Toxic vs. healthy behavior
It is normal to have differing opinions in every kind of relationship. Having disagreements does not necessarily mean that the relationship is toxic.
If a relationship is caring, encouraging, and respectful, then it is probably healthy.
However, if there is a continuous pattern of selfish, negative, and disrespectful behavior, then this may indicate that the relationship is toxic.
Toxic behaviors in a relationship are often inherently damaging, emotionally draining and can damage others’ self-esteem and self-worth. Toxic behaviors include:
Unequal power balance
Healthy behaviors in a relationship should positively contribute to self-esteem and emotional energy.
They are often inherently uplifting, and secure, and have an equal power dynamic. Healthy behaviors include:
Types of toxic relationships
While many would think that toxic relationships are exclusive to intimate relationships, they can exist in other contexts.
Toxic relationships can occur in families, in the workplace, and among friendships. In each context, there can exist different types of toxicity:
This type of toxic person is likely to criticize you, make fun of you, and set out to embarrass you in front of others to make you look inferior.
If you express that you are upset about their behavior, they may say, ‘Can’t you take a joke?’ although you know they are far from joking.
The goal of the belittler is to keep your self-esteem as low as possible so that you are not likely to challenge their control and manipulation.
You may believe that you are not worthy of being treated better, so you are more likely to deal with this toxic behavior as your self-worth becomes so low.
This is the type of toxic person who you may feel like you are walking around on eggshells. You may never know what mood they will be in that day, and they are likely to have aggressive outbursts at you.
You may avoid arguing or discussing anything with this person as you fear that they will lose their temper.
You may not know what triggers their outbursts and be constantly vigilant of their actions. The ‘bad tempered’ toxic person may blame their anger on your actions and may not take any responsibility.
Moreover, they may not show this aggressive behavior to anyone outside the relationship.
Someone who induces guilt controls someone else by making them feel guilty anytime they do something they don’t like.
The guilt-inducer may express that they are disappointed or hurt by your behavior, or they may get someone else to tell you this on their behalf.
They may also remove guilt from a situation if you do something that they want you to do.
This type of toxic person is commonly seen in parent-child relationships, especially with adult children.
For instance, a parent may list all the things they have done for their child growing up as a way to induce guilt and now be owed something in return.
You may try to express unhappiness with something that the toxic person did, but by the end of the conversation, you end up being the one to comfort them.
The deflector may end up convincing you that your issue is your own problem and has nothing to do with them. They may make you feel bad for bringing something up that is upsetting for them, leaving you feeling like you are being selfish.
In this way, you are often deprived of addressing your own feelings of hurt and are likely to continue to put up with the behavior that upsets you because you do not want to bring it up and upset the other person again.
The passive controller
A way in which someone can control another person is to be so passive that the other person has to make most decisions.
The advantage of the passive controller is that you will be held accountable for any negative outcomes of your decision.
You will often know if you have made the wrong decision because the other person will display passive-aggressive behavior, such as stonewalling you.
You may become very anxious about the consequences of your decisions, and it can also be very draining to make all the decisions in a relationship.
The ‘independent’ controller
This toxic person may disguise their controlling behavior as asserting their ‘independence.’ They may often say, ‘I am not going to let anyone control me’ and will use this to explain away their toxic behavior.
They may agree to plans but then don’t turn up, rarely keep to their commitments, and have unpredictable behavior.
They control others by keeping them uncertain about what they’re going to do. It can be near impossible to make plans with them, and they do not make other people in the relationship feel safe and secure.
You may ask them for reassurance, and they give you vague answers in response to leave you constantly guessing about their intentions.
As long as this type of toxic person gets what they want from the relationship, they can be extremely pleasant to be around. If they are not getting what they want, the user can become very unpleasant.
These are often one-sided relationships where one person gives everything they can to the toxic person while not getting the same energy in return.
You may find that you can never do enough for the user, and this can drain your energy. They may sometimes do small things for you which do not inconvenience them much.
They will then hold this small gesture as an obligation. If you ever question their behavior, they will hold onto this gesture they did for you and induce guilt, so you keep doing things that they want you to do.
The possessive controller
While some jealousy is normal, especially at the beginning of an intimate relationship, someone who becomes possessive can become more suspicious and controlling even later in the relationship.
A possessive controller may always check up on you to make sure you are where you said you would be and may interrogate where you were if you come home late from work or a social event.
They may never truly believe you are faithful to them and may accuse you of cheating on them even if there is no reason to think that.
They may overanalyze your relationships with others and insist on looking through your phone or emails and tracking your location to make sure you are staying faithful.
They may also work hard to diminish any relationships you may have with others, such as friends and family. In this way, you become isolated from others and dependent on your partner for all your needs.
Narcissists and sociopaths
It could be that some toxic types of people would fall under the category of a narcissist or sociopaths.
These types of people tend to feed off other people’s attention and admiration and cannot bear for others to be in the spotlight.
Narcissists and sociopaths feel like they must one-up others to feel superior. They may intentionally put others down or insult them when they achieve something. They are not likely to admit to any fault, and if they are made to seem less than perfect, then they feel threatened.
Who is Vulnerable?
Although anyone can fall victim to toxic behavior, certain types of people are more susceptible to toxic people.
Those who are high in empathy may be a target for a toxic person as their caring nature means they are likely to do as much as they can to ensure other people are happy.
Empaths are probably more likely to want to change someone’s toxic behavior as they can see the good traits in that person.
Likewise, people pleasers may be more vulnerable to toxic people. They may worry that they have no value unless they do something for someone else, which toxic people can take advantage of.
Also, if someone has grown up in a toxic household or they had a chaotic upbringing, they may be more likely to continue having toxic relationships when they are adults.
They may be so used to being around toxic behavior that they see this as normal. They may be suspicious of anyone who is not toxic and be looking out for what the catch is.
Sometimes, people recreate patterns. They may be drawn to someone who confirms what they think about themselves.
For example, if someone believes they don’t deserve to be heard, they may find it acceptable to be with someone who disrespects them or does not listen to them.
In this way, they are unintentionally triggering the emotions and responses they were used to having as a child or in a past relationship.
Toxicity Vs. abuse
It is important to make the distinction between toxicity and abuse. Toxicity can include emotional and verbal abuse, but toxicity is not always abusive in nature and may not even be intentional.
The abuse stems from the desire to hold power over someone else and control their behavior.
Some signs that someone may be a victim of abuse include:
Feeling very anxious and having self-doubt
Being isolated from family and friends
Feeling fearful and intimidated
Feeling put down and humiliated
Being gaslit – questioning sanity
Experiencing physical violence or threats of violence
If you relate to any of the signs of abuse, it is advisable to seek help as soon and as safely as possible through a trusted friend or family member, a therapist, or a domestic abuse advocate.
Can I be toxic without realizing?
As previously mentioned, people can be toxic unintentionally. Often in relationships, people need to take a step back to reflect on their behavior and whether what they are doing is indeed toxic.
Below are some of the signs which may indicate that you are acting toxic:
You are always sarcastic – you may often mask your emotions behind humor instead of talking them through with someone.
You deal with conflict in a passive manner – you may present with sullen behavior, stubbornness to change, give subtle insults, or use passive aggression.
Everything is a competition – if someone shares an issue they have, you may tell them how you have it much worse than they do. This is different from relating to someone going through a tough situation. Likewise, if someone shares an accomplishment, you may not be able to help yourself from boasting about your own accomplishments.
You may secretly crave disaster because of the care and attention you receive – you may seek pity and comfort from others or want someone to give you advice, although you have no intention of following through with it.
You think that pointing out someone’s flaws will help them to change, but it will instead make them feel hurt.
What to do
If you notice that a relationship is toxic and want to work through the issues, then there are some steps you can take to address this.
Also, not every toxic relationship can be avoided, especially if you work with toxic people or have toxic family members.
Having healthy conversations, boundaries, and awareness may be able to help in some situations.
The first step to managing a toxic relationship is to acknowledge that there is a problem to be addressed. Usually, you can sense when something doesn’t feel right and that things need to change.
You may feel that the atmosphere is very negative and that your interactions with the person leave you feeling uncomfortable or decrease your self-esteem.
Identify the toxic behavior
It will be useful to determine what it is about the relationship that feels toxic. This could be how someone communicates to you, their jealousy, their controlling tendencies, or how they make you feel unsupported.
It may be one or many toxic behaviors that need to be tackled, but putting a name to the behavior can help to address it.
It may be that all the toxicity is coming from someone else. However, it is important to reflect inwards and see if there is anything that you are doing that is toxic toward the other person. It could be that both parties are equally as toxic towards each other.
Recognizing your own behavior and taking accountability is a necessary step to take to address the issues in the relationship.
This may also encourage the other person to reflect on their own behavior and feel less targeted for their toxicity if you also accept that you are part of the problem.
Communicate the issue
Once you have identified what you want to address with the toxic person, clearly and assertively communicate to them what the issue is.
The use of ‘I’ statements when describing your feelings and emotions should help keep the other person from feeling defensive.
Once you have addressed the issue and how it makes you feel, clearly explain to the person what it is you need from them instead and what the consequences of not meeting this need are.
An example of how to communicate this can be, ‘I felt bad about myself when you called me stupid. It made me feel worthless. Instead of doing this, I will need you to take a moment to calm down and think before you say things like this.
This is something I am not going to tolerate, and if this happens again, I worry that I will not be able to spend so much time with you.’
Notice any changes
After you have clearly communicated your needs, notice if their behavior changes. If they have made a clear effort to change and the toxic behavior is no longer present, then this was successful.
If they have not changed their behavior, then you need to decide whether this is something you can live with or whether you need to end the relationship or set boundaries.
Remember that you can only control your own behavior, so there is only so much you can do to make a positive change.
If you can leave the toxic relationship safely, then this may be a consideration if you feel the toxic person is not going to change.
Suppose you cannot leave the toxic relationship because they may be your co-worker or a family member. In that case, you can put boundaries in place to ensure you are limiting the amount of toxic behavior you are exposed to.
If you have a toxic co-worker, for instance, you could ask your boss to work in a different location away from this person or ask for your breaks to be scheduled at different times.
If the toxic person is a family member or a friend, you could limit the number of times you visit them or cut back on how much you text or phone them.
Leaving a Toxic Relationship
If you decide that the relationship cannot be saved from someone’s toxic behavior, there are some ways in which you can safely leave:
Seek emotional support
Try to open up to your loved ones about what you are going through. They may be able to give you suitable advice for how to cope with the toxic behavior, leave the situation, and can give insight from an outside perspective.
They may also be able to offer you a place to stay if you plan to move out of a home that is shared with a toxic person.
Get additional support
It may be helpful to get support from a therapist or domestic violence advocate who can help you make a safety plan and any additional resources you may need to leave the toxic relationship.
Bring a trusted person
As well as being able to give emotional support, a trusted friend or family member could come with you to end the relationship with the toxic person.
This is especially useful if you do not feel completely safe having this conversation with the toxic person. If a trusted person is present, you may also be less likely to be swayed by the toxic person to stay in the relationship.
Stick to your boundaries
If you have decided that you are going to cut contact with the toxic person, then it is important to stick with your decision.
If you continue to let them back into your life after giving them multiple chances, they may think that they have gotten away with their behavior and that there are no consequences.
Be assertive with the toxic person and clearly set out what you plan to do.
Change your phone number
If you think you may be tempted to get back into contact with the toxic person or think they will bombard you with calls and text messages, it may be wise to change your number or at least block them.
Seek therapeutic support afterward
It can feel very distressing to leave a toxic relationship. You may have lowered self-worth and confidence from being in a negative situation for a long time.
You can seek therapy to help build yourself back, increase your self-esteem, and make it less likely that the effects of the toxic relationship will follow you into new relationships.
If you need to talk to someone…
If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for confidential assistance from trained advocates.
or text “Start” to 88788.
If you want to access support over the phone, you can call:
National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247 – www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ (run by Refuge)
The Men’s Advice Line, for male domestic abuse survivors – 0808 801 0327 (run by Respect )
The Mix, free information and support for under 25s in the UK – 0808 808 4994
National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0800 999 5428 (run by Galop)
Women’s Aid is a national charity working to end domestic abuse against women and children. We are a federation of over 180 organisations providing just under 300 lifesaving services to women and children across England – 1-800-799-7233
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